Tag Archives: self-awareness

Manage Yourself Before You Can Lead Others


executive-1668932_640I’ve been following the folks at Contented Cows for many years now. Bill Catlette and Richard Hadden call themselves employee engagement experts. The name of their business comes from their first book, Contented Cows Give Better Milk: The Plain Truth About Employee Relations and Your Bottom Line. Although they say they are employee engagement experts, their website states, “We develop leaders, period.” They write about employee engagement, but mostly in the context of how leaders create the kinds of focused and enthusiastic employees who give the “better milk” that all businesses want.

Recently, Bill Catlette wrote a post entitled “Leadership . . . It’s Not a Position,” which really struck home with me. I’ve read a lot about what a new leader needs to do in his or her first 100 days in the job. But in this post, Mr. Catlette goes beyond the “whats” of a new leader’s role to get at the “hows.” He says:

1. First, you manage yourself.
2. You lead others.
3. You manage the system.

If leaders reflected on these three points, I think they’d get to the “whats” of any new role a lot more easily—and to the “whats” of their existing roles also.

Manage Yourself. We have only to look at President Trump to understand the importance of managing yourself. Now, none of us can know how much President Trump manages himself, but from the outside his tweets seem undisciplined and contrary to the message of control and focus that most Americans want from their President.

As Mr. Catlette states,

“No one is going to follow you for very long or very far if you don’t have your own act together. You summon appropriate doses of optimism and humility, and keep your ego very much in check.”

This is the behavior of a leader. If this first step is not done well, then steps two and three may not get the job done.

Lead Others. Most leadership articles focus on this aspect of leadership. We are instructed that leaders should communicate the mission of the organization and how each individual’s work fits into it. They should listen with empathy to those they manage, as well as to their external stakeholders. They should encourage and persuade their followers toward a shared goal.

We’re all taught to do these things. Some of us do them better than others. But none of it matters if we—as leaders—do not model the behavior and performance needed from others in the organization.

Manage the System. Again, as leaders we are taught to examine the technology, decision rights, workflows, and other tools and processes that make up the organization we lead. We’re told to find the weak points and figure out how to improve them. We’re expected to shape the culture to get the job done—to create engaged employees.

But once more, we must recognize that we cannot shape the culture to something different than what we display ourselves.

The primary reason many leaders fail is because of cultural fit. These leaders often do not fit because they do not shape their behavior to the requirements of their role. I’m not arguing for a cookie-cutter look to all senior executives in an organization. But I am suggesting that leaders be conscious of how their behavior is viewed by those they lead and that they adapt themselves to their environment before they expect others to adapt to them.

When have you observed leaders who failed because they didn’t manage themselves first?

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Three Turning Points in a Career


I recently came across something that an old mentor of mine once wrote me as I approached my 30th birthday in the mid-1980s:

“There are three turning points in your career you will go through:

“1. Wondering if you really like what you do, at about age 30.

“2. Mid-life crisis, at about age 40, when you have a strong desire to do something else, and have a sense of losing your youth and vitality, wondering why you haven’t done more and why you’re not at the top.

“3. The end of your career, which might come any time after about age 60, when you’re ready for retirement, want to do more with your life than work, but may have some regret that you haven’t achieved your goals.”

His words weren’t the most artful description of career stages I’ve read, but they had an impact on me, and I’ve had occasion to think about these turning points over the years. He described pivotal times that I did in fact experience in my career.

MP900341467We all go through our individual variations on these career stages. Our chronological age may vary some from what my mentor stated (in particular, retirement in today’s world can come much earlier or much later than age 60). The depth and severity of the emotional conflict each of us feels are likely to be different from person to person, and one turning point might hit one person harder, while someone else is impacted more by another turning point. Finally, how we choose to cope with each of these turning points will be as personal as each of us and our career paths are.

My mentor wrote this to me when I was approaching my 30th birthday and at turning point #1. At that time, he had passed turning point #2, and was beginning to think about #3. Now I’ve passed #3 myself.

In my case, I gutted my way through turning point #1. I stayed in the same career with the same company for another decade after my mentor and I discussed my disillusionment with where I was at that time. But at my #2 turning point, I switched careers, moving from law to Human Resources. And my #3 came when I was only 50—I quit the corporate world to turn to consulting and writing, which I expect to continue for many years into the future.

In my mentor’s case, he moved into management from an individual contributor role at his turning point #1. He changed careers and industries at #2, though remained in a corporate setting. At #3 he also left the corporate world and moved into a teaching position at a small college in a poor, rural community, which he continued to do until he turned 70, when he retired completely.

My mentor said one other thing to me in that letter he wrote long ago,

“Very few think about these things. They just go as far as they go.”

He encouraged me to really ponder what I wanted out of life at each turning point I faced. Perhaps that’s what started me on my journey of self-assessment.

How have you coped with turning points in your own career, and what helped you work your way through them? How have you mentored others facing turning points in their careers?

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We Are Formed By Those We Serve


Servant-as-Leader-600-x-600-e1417632687696-mnm4xm6n1cq5sae1iq6ntpk08do5anyw3katv3xjaoAn acquaintance recently quoted something he’d been told in a leadership development program: “You will be formed by the people you serve.” The program was for leaders in non-profit institutions, and so the service element made particular sense. But I have been pondering that statement for its relevance in all leadership contexts—no matter what organization you are a part of, you serve someone, and you are in fact formed by the people you serve.

I’ve mentioned “servant leadership” before, a philosophy named by Robert K. Greenleaf.  My point in my earlier post was that leaders who engage in systematic neglect—who focus on what they think is important and ignore other issues—must accept the consequences of not doing what they neglect. This post examines the root of servant leadership.

In the introduction to The Servant as Leader, Mr. Greenleaf stated

“ A new moral principle is emerging which holds that the only authority deserving one’s allegiance is that which is freely and knowingly granted by the led to the leader in response to, and in proportion to, the clearly evident servant stature of the leader.”

He describes the servant-leader as follows:

“The servant-leader is servant first . . . . It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. That person is sharply different from one who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions. For such it will be a later choice to serve — after leadership is established. . . .
“The difference manifests itself in the care taken by the servant-first to make sure that other people’s highest priority needs are being served. The best test, and difficult to administer, is: Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? And, what is the effect on the least privileged in society; will they benefit, or, at least, not be further deprived?”

This is a high standard—to want to serve first, to meet others’ highest priority needs first, to help those served grow as persons. But think of what it means to one’s own development to aspire to this standard. If I aspire to serve, will I not in fact be formed by my attempts to serve?

If I seek to meet others’ needs, then I will become more discerning of what those needs are. If I seek to aid in others’ development, to make them healthier, wiser, and more autonomous, I will certainly become wiser myself and less autocratic. If I seek to benefit—or at least avoid depriving—the less fortunate, I must first become more humane and empathetic.

I think back on my own career. I admit freely that servant-leadership was often no more than an aspiration, and even more often not even on my radar screen. I fell far short of achieving any type of servant status.

Yet the people who reported to me formed me. Some brought substantive expertise to our department that I did not have, and they taught me. Some had far more emotional intelligence than I have, and they saw issues I glossed over. Some pushed at me when I didn’t want to be pushed, and made me a better and more articulate manager than I otherwise would have been.

Even before we are leaders in an organization, we serve. We have bosses. We have clients. These individuals form us also. So even before I was a manager, I was being formed by those individuals I served. Most of my bosses taught me both about our substantive areas of expertise and about corporate politics. Some of my bosses taught me positively by their examples, and others demonstrated behaviors I didn’t want to develop. My clients pushed me and pulled me to get their questions answered and their needs met. They shaped the expertise I developed.

In every case, I was formed by those I served.

When were you formed by who you served?

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Managing Myself: Productivity v. Learning


Design Mascot Computer SalesI’ve always been an advocate of measuring productivity. When I worked in the corporate world, I ordered my days to meet the objectives my boss set for me. I influenced the setting of my objectives, but once we had agreement, I worked toward achieving them.

Now that I am self-employed, I still keep track of my activities each week and set goals for the year and for the week ahead. I break large projects up into phases and manageable pieces. I try to balance work on immediate tasks and the next steps in long-term projects.

I chafe when other people interfere with my plans to work productively. It’s easy to let family and friends and co-workers order my days for me. Their goals are not my goals, and when our goals conflict (as they inevitably will), one or both of us must compromise. If I don’t keep a laser eye on my own plans, if I don’t build in flexibility to address the necessary give-and-take of life, then I will not accomplish what I want. So I try to be flexible, yet focused.

Given my desire for productivity, I was intrigued to see an article in Inc.com a couple weeks ago by Michael Simmons of Empact titled “Average People Are Productive, Successful People Are Learners.” Because, of course, I consider myself successful, not average.

According to the article, learning is the ultimate productivity.

“The paradigm we should all consider for productivity is learning. As opposed to productivity hacks—as I said, there’s only so much in your day you can optimize—learning is an exponential process with no cap. What do I mean by this? The results of learning are twofold: better decisions and breakthrough ideas. This can give results that are 1,000x better, not just 2x better.”

What does it take to be a learner? Mr. Simmons’s article stresses the importance of reading. He suggests spending seven hours a week (one hour a day) reading—which translates, he says, to about a book every week.

That’s a good goal. I can measure that. I can build it into my personal objectives.

I do read. Mostly, I read for enjoyment, but I also read a lot of professional books and periodicals and online newsletters on human resources, dispute resolution, legal topics, business strategy, and the craft of writing. I probably spend close to an hour a day on these professional development activities every day, though I haven’t measured it daily.

Based on Mr. Simmons’s recommendation, I will try to be more mindful of how I read to learn. I will think about what I want to learn and focus more of my reading on these topics.

And I will seek out and measure other opportunities to learn—people with whom I can discuss topics I want to know more about, places I can go to see and hear and touch new experiences. In short, I will invest in myself and plan that investment into my productivity goals.

What do you do to be a learner?

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When the Unexpected Strikes


I had planned to post today another “favorite firing”—a tongue-in-cheek, moral-of-the-story piece about what can go wrong in the workplace and how to reduce the likelihood of future such happenings.

But sometimes reality intervenes. The past few days, with the images of shootings across Paris, have been one of those times.

I was immediately drawn back to September 11, 2001, when I was in a Human Resources role, and we were struggling with how to help employees cope with the tragedies of that day. Now, it is the French who must cope, who must struggle to make sense of the senseless.

It’s important to have a crisis management plan in place. But no plan can foresee everything. Often, all we can do is listen to each other and empathize.

The moral of the story is to be grateful for what you have and who you love. In the moment.

paris eiffel flag

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Managing Yourself as a Mediator


MP900387517I wrote several weeks ago about communicating with high-conflict people. In the seminar I attended, Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute also made the point that mediators and counselors working with high-conflict personalities need to manage their own responses during problem-solving sessions. It is a sure bet that you will face resistance from the high-conflict person, so you need to control yourself.

Although the focus of Mr. Eddy’s program was on high-conflict personalities, anyone can become high-conflict when we deal with emotional circumstances, which many disputes are. Thus, most of what he said has applicability in almost all mediations.

Here were some of his tips:

1. High-conflict personalities have a hard time with problem-solving. They need a structure. Your role is to provide that structure, but NOT TO SOLVE THEIR PROBLEM. Repeat again: Your role is NOT to solve their problem—that is THEIR responsibility.

2. Your focus should be on managing your relationship with the parties to the dispute, NOT to manage the outcome. Repeat again: Your role is NOT to manage the outcome—that is THEIR responsibility.

3. The three skills you need to have when mediating high-conflict disputes (or, really, any dispute) are

  • Connecting with empathy, attention, and respect
  • Structuring the dispute resolution process, and
  • Educating the parties about the available choices and the consequences of their choices.

Each of these skills is worthy of a post in its own right. But for me, the most helpful advice was to step back from managing the outcome to structuring and managing the process.

I know as a mediator I sometimes am too directive and occasionally too passive. It is too easy for me to jump to what I think the outcome should be, and then pushing toward that outcome or giving up when it seems the parties will never get there.

What I took away from Mr. Eddy’s program was a reminder to keep myself from owning the outcome. I need to remember that reaching a resolution is the parties’ decision, not mine. I learned that in my mediator training, but it is easy to forget. We all want to take control when we think we know best.

When have you taken responsibility for a problem that wasn’t yours to resolve?

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Resolving Conflict in the Workplace: The Earlier, the Better


Image from Forbes

Image from Forbes

As a litigator and as a mediator, I have frequently seen workplace conflicts that have escalated beyond repair. Once a manager is convinced that an employee cannot perform, it is hard to change that manager’s mind. Once an employee believes that a manager or co-worker has engaged in harassment or discrimination, there is little likelihood of salvaging the relationship. An amicable parting of the ways is usually the most that a mediator can hope for.

This was one reason I moved from practicing law into Human Resources—I wanted to move further up the process of managing workplace problems, with the hope of fixing more of them. To some extent, I was successful. But unfortunately, I found that Human Resources comes with its own baggage. Too often HR is seen by employees as in management’s pocket and by management as ineffectual or not focused on the bottom line.

Nevertheless, I came to believe that the best chance of solving workplace problems is with direct communication between managers and employees, with HR serving primarily as a coach for both parties and a referee when emotions run too high or one party or the other steps out of bounds.

But both managers and employees often do not have the communications skills needed to resolve their conflicts. A recent article on Mediate.com, Integrating Conflict Management and Workplace Mediation Practices: A Blueprint for Future Practice, by Daniel Dana, Craig Runde (February 2015), makes this point.

Messrs. Dana and Runde suggest that mediators learn to coach their clients in how to manage their differences. The skills needed, they say, include expanded self-awareness, enhanced emotional intelligence, and improved conflict communications capabilities. Here are their suggestions:

Expanding self-awareness is typically approached by coaching, interviewing, or using assessment instruments such as the Conflict Dynamics Profile or the Thomas-Killman Conflict Mode Instrument.  When people become more aware of how they typically respond to workplace conflict, they are better able to employ constructive approaches and avoid defaulting into destructive or ineffective ones.

The human experience of conflict is replete with complex emotions, and helping clients learn to manage those emotions is of great importance for conflict management practitioners.  This includes improving awareness of what triggers one’s negative emotions in the first place and developing personal practices for managing those emotions and regaining a sense of balance.

Enhancing constructive communications involves learning about one’s behavior patterns and working on lessening the use of habitual destructive behaviors.  Those habits often escalate or prolong conflict.  Improved patterns increase the use of constructive responses, which clarify issues and develop sustainable solutions that benefit both parties.

Yet Dana and Runde recognize that coaching alone will often not be enough to manage workplace conflicts. There is still a role for neutral third parties—either internal or external mediators.

Again, following the principle that resolving a conflict sooner rather than later is the best way to preserve a workplace relationship, then internal company mediators serve an important role. But bringing in an external mediator is more effective than litigating a dispute.

What has your experience been with resolving workplace conflicts? Can people learn to handle most conflicts themselves? When is a third-party essential to resolving the dispute?

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