Tag Archives: emotions

Dealing with Emotions as a Leader


As I’ve described in this blog, I am trained as an attorney and I am an introvert. I have always been focused on facts rather than emotions. As a result, I am not the most sensitive human being on the planet.

While this might have been a strength during most of the years I practiced law, it became a blind spot when I started managing human resources functions, particularly when I managed employee relations, which included quite a bit of employee and manager counseling.

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Image from Forbes

Early in my career, while I was still working as an attorney, I came to the realization that emotions are facts. While emotions are not tangible, they are nevertheless real. I had to incorporate the emotions of my clients, those of the parties and witnesses to lawsuits, and even the emotions of my co-counsel, opposing counsel, and the judges I encountered. If I did not successfully handle the emotional aspects of the case, I would not achieve the best result for my client.

Thus, I found myself babysitting (my word for it) witnesses in a major case, so that they were not overwrought by the time they had to testify. I listened to my clients vent when they felt they were being asked to pay too large a settlement, even when it was the rational thing to do. I maintained an even personality as much as I could with opposing counsel to diffuse their rants. I patiently explained the law to obtuse judges over and over again until they finally read the cases I had presented.

Managing my own emotions and those of others I encountered were not fun aspects of the job, but they were essential.

When I became responsible for employee relations, I realized my instincts on how employees would react to policy changes were not well-developed. If we were to communicate effectively why we needed to make these changes, I needed to find people with better instincts than I had. Fortunately, I had a man working for me who had long experience in the organization and who had excellent people skills. I learned very quickly to listen to him.

In fact, many times in my career I found it essential to let people with better skills than I had do their work. My role was to get out of their way and keep others out of their way as well.

It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t even about them. It was about getting the job done the best way we could. And that was another fact, even when it felt emotional.

A couple weeks ago, I read an article on the ever-excellent TLNT.com, “None of Us Are Rational, So Smart Leadership Means Learning to Deal With Emotions,” by Jacqueline Carter and Rasmus Hougaard, dated May 7, 2018. [Reprinted by permission of Harvard Business Review Press. Excerpted from Rasmus Hougaard and Jacqueline Carter, The Mind of the Leader: How to Lead Yourself, Your People, and Your Organization for Extraordinary Results (2018)]

Mr. Hougaard and Ms. Carter say it far better than I can:

“emotions are neither good nor bad. . . . as leaders, it’s imperative that we understand the role of emotions, so we can connect with our people, not just on strategy and tasks but also on a fundamental human level. It’s only when we create emotional resonance between ourselves and our people that we enable true connectedness. Whether we’re aware of it — and whether we want to accept it or not — true engagement happens when people feel connected on an emotional level.

. . .

“. . . If we can distance ourselves from our emotions, we can observe them more objectively. With training, observing our emotions can be like watching a movie: You’re not the movie, and the movie is not you. In the same way, your emotion is not you, and you’re not the emotion. . . .

“If we face emotions neutrally and without ego, they lose their grip.”

Even as an analytical attorney untrained in human psychology, I understood these points intuitively. Thankfully, I was able to adjust my behavior to manage my emotions and those of people around me. Emotions are facts, and I dealt with them.

When have you had to deal with emotional situations at work that were uncomfortable for you?

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Filed under Human Resources, Law, Leadership, Management, Philosophy, Workplace

Should a Mediator Let the Parties Vent?


conflictI attended a mediation training program several months ago in which the question was asked: As a mediator, should I let the parties vent or should I control what they say to each other?

First of all, let’s recognize the absurdity of thinking that a mediator can control what the parties say. A mediator can help the parties shape how they communicate, but the mediator cannot control anything.

But it is a good question to ask whether and how the parties should vent their emotions during a mediation.

I always believed–both as an attorney with clients and witnesses who were sometimes distraught and as a mediator trying to resolve sensitive disputes–that emotions were part of the case and needed to be recognized. Still, how those emotions are dealt with can affect whether the parties will reach agreement. I often found myself in the position of absorbing my client’s venting, or, in a mediation, one of the parties’ venting. I listened to them, and sometimes just having someone listen to them diffused the emotional tension in their conversation and they could move on to settle the case.

Early on, the mediator needs to assess how the parties are communicating. Can they express themselves well? Can they describe their feelings in addition to the facts? Do they listen to each other? How do they react to each other’s statements about their feelings? If the parties are already in a situation that requires mediation, it is quite likely that one or both of them cannot deal with their emotions and/or those of the other party. If they both could address the facts rationally, they would settle the matter themselves. But if they can’t deal with their emotions effectively, the mediator will most likely need to intervene.

How can the mediator intervene?

One way is to hold separate caucuses with the parties. In a caucus, the mediator can listen to the emotional content and help filter it. Then the mediator can coach the party on expressing his or her emotions in a less confrontational or blaming way. Alternatively, the mediator can convey the party’s position through shuttle diplomacy and decide what to share with the other side. Both of these methods can defuse tension. Which to use depends on how capably and quickly the party can learn to express his or her feelings constructively.

Another method to use, particularly when caucusing is impractical, is for the mediator to rephrase the emotional statements in a way that recognizes their validity but doesn’t blame the other party.

So, for example, the mediator might rephrase Employee A’s statement “Employee B is always bad-mouthing me to everyone else in the department” into “When Employee B says something about how you handled a task, you feel he is telling other people you aren’t doing a good job.” When Employee A agrees with this statement (he will likely agree or expand on the statement), then the mediator can turn to Employee B to ask, “Do you mean to imply that Employee A isn’t doing a good job?” Often this will lead to a fruitful discussion about what was really meant.

Emotions have to be considered in any mediation. How they are dealt with will depend on the parties’ communications skills and past relationship. The mediator needs to address the emotions, but must also understand that control is impossible.

When have you had to diffuse emotions during a negotiation?

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